10. Self-doubt? I think not.

I really wanted to write a comical post this week; however, this title is more appropriate based on my week. Perhaps next week will bring about more humor.

Some have called me out on my tardiness regarding my post this week. The tardiness is a result of bustin’ moves in a nursing home for my clinical. You see, I dedicated a rather large chunk of my summer to this cna program. What had proceeded this decision was uncertainty. The same questions ran through my head just days before the deadline to enroll. Is this really what I want? Not necessarily. Can I picture myself in the ‘scrub life’? Not necessarily. Do I want to wipe another person’s ass? Oh. Hell No.

However, the questions that proceeded these questions went something like… Am I tired of being broke? Yes. Do I want a bangin’ graduate school application? Yes. Am I more than capable of completing this program successfully?

Of course I am.

Five weeks in the classroom flew by. Then I found myself sitting in orientation for my clinical simply thinking about how fucked I was going to be. Intimidated? Yes. Axnious? Yes. Filled with self-doubt? Yes. This was going to be a long week; a week of hell, I thought. Orientation ended and I cried as I drove home, overcome by fear of the unknown as well as the fact that  nursing homes are depressing as fuck. I wanted to make a run for it. There’s no way I can actually do everything I’ve learned on a real person; a real dying person. This is not for me.

Fortunately, I was graced by the presence of another cna who was finishing her clinical on my first day. We had been assigned the same resident and needless to say I was relieved. About half way through day two I’m chillin’ with my patient and getting her cleaned up when I hear my RN say, “You’ve been checked off for every skill, congrats!”

Excuse me, what? Day two of five and I’ve already passed? Can I go home now?

My point: You’re the only person standing in your way.  Clichè, yes, but true.

REDCROSS

Self-talk for Self-doubt

Insanely effective. I may have bolted out of that parking lot after orientation and balled all the way home but soon after I sat down and told myself I was well prepared because of amazing mentors, insane amounts of studying and dedication, and wanting to understand and learn. I reminded myself that I’m fully capable of anything I want to do just like everyone else. It’s a matter of believing it and wanting it. How much do I want this cert? The opportunity to have a lovely job, to actually have money, to be able to get out of here and live among that mountains in the west. I became excited and hungry for success. Let’s do this shit.

I told myself to focus; to open my textbook [yet again] and review. So as I was reviewing I remembered that I aced my exam. I therefore knew the info. Just apply it, right? That easy? No. How do you study something like that? Ask my grandmother to pretend she’s on her death bed? Negative.

Well I thought on it, came up with nothing, and threw a party instead…

…and it was a good party, too.

Can’t really go wrong with a  good party and a certification you busted your ass for.

Wild, reckless, dedicated, and intrigued; 23.

…and in case you’re wondering…the week flew by so smoothly and I got my cert.

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