Living with no point to prove

Living (adj): not dead : having life

Since moving out to Colorado my definition of living has changed. My definition of living is mentioned above. The reality is that that’s the only definition there is. Exploring, creating, impacting, learning, are all things you do while you’re living. I used to believe that doing something outrageous and spontaneous was the only way to truly live. I was wrong in that the only way to live is to keep breathing. So please, keep breathing. 

I once ended one of my ‘inspiring’ blog posts about moving to Colorado with something like “go live.” A while later I was thinking about that cliche and how everyone reading my post was obviously living and that telling someone to live doesn’t make sense. I should have ended it with something like “don’t be afraid to experience.” Clearly you’re living if your reading this post [& thank you for reading of course]. I promise no more cliches, okay?!

Breathing + experiencing = life

& don’t let someone tell you what you have to do to live. You don’t need to move across the county to get the ultimate life experience. For me, Colorado was a place I thought was beautiful, a place I wanted to dive into for a period of time for my own pleasure and growth. For some people it may be a different state or country, or perhaps even ten minutes from where you grew up.

But whatever you do, do what makes you happy and fulfilled. Do something because you love it. Do it with your whole being. Do it because you don’t know any other way. 

 Don’t do something to prove some point or because you want to appear a certain way to the people you know. If that’s what you’re doing then you’re not doin’ you. Be comfortable with what you’re doing, whatever it may be. Be a teacher if you want, or don’t. Be a scientist if you want, or don’t. Be a photographer if you want, or don’t. Travel the world if you want, or simply don’t. 

Live without needing to prove a point.

If you have to keep telling people “who you are” you’re doing it wrong. Let actions speak and let them reflect your true self. Prove to yourself–not to others. This life thing will be far more enjoyable that way I promise. 

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

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To whom it no longer concerns

Once someone hurt me, badly.

Wastes of oxygen. We cross paths with them throughout life. Sometimes it’s a quick encounter and unfortunately other times it’s not. I happened to cross paths with one for well over 4 years, and it became something rather infectious for well over 3. I left that person in the dark 14 months ago and never looked back. I had found a normal, caring, warm-hearted and genuine man that wanted nothing more than for me to be okay. I now understand how happy I could been for those 3+ years. I am now the luckiest girl in the world, thanks to you.

To Whom it No Longer Concerns,

When I say that your life, or the life you claim to live, is a completely self-created and made up pile of shit, what do you think? You think I’m wrong, and you think I’m wrong because by 39 you’ve persuaded yourself that you really are this brilliant, widely admired, God-like prodigy of a human.  You feed off of the admiration you receive from the students you teach to the people you meet on the street. However, the thing is that they don’t admire you, they admire the person they think you are. Like them, I was fooled once, too. Unfuckingfortunately, I was given the extended opportunity to find out who you really are. While I was the person you screwed over the hardest, there are other wonderful and beautiful people you hurt, too.

You lied to people to make your life look better, to make yourself feel better, and to boost that low self-esteem and self-image. You wanted another high. When the high is gone or someone calls you out on your bullshit you move on to your next victim.  I’m aware that you’ve done it again. You’re pathetic. Small world, eh?

Please tell me how much effort does it take to live multiple lives and impersonate multiple people? Is it really worth all of that effort, and for so long, just to control someone’s life? My life–and it’s all because you can’t control your own.

Please, allow me to tell you who you are since you clearly don’t know.

Now clinically speaking you are mentally ill. I personally call it being extremely fucked, however, given my college degree I’d say at least 30% of your fucked-ness stems from a Dissociative Identity Disorder. Examples of this were basically everything that came out of your mouth, but specifically when you impersonated famous musicians as well as doctors that treated you at the hospital…that you didn’t attend because you weren’t ill…because the location of the photos you sent me from said hospital showed your home address, you know, the home where you lived with your wife. The place you slept when you told me you were sleeping in a hospital bed.

Every.

Night.

Remember you told us all you were divorced and that you ex was a bitch and an ‘ice queen’.

Please refer to DSM-IV to learn about the other 70% of your problems because diagnosing you isn’t why I’m writing this and I refuse to give you anymore of my time.

I want to close with some real life shit because I am a real person with real relationships and real experiences.

Fun facts first:

  1. Your new job has their suspicions and their eyes on you thanks to the internet and me having a fully functional brain. I’m not the only one who contacted them. I know who came after me.

Real talk:

The 3+ years I was manipulated by you doesn’t define me. The way you made me feel doesn’t define me. The way you used the people I love most doesn’t define me nor them. Your lies that I at one time believed don’t define me. The number of times you humiliated me doesn’t define me.

You took advantage of someone pure and beautiful. You dimmed that shine in her eye, that warmth in her smile, but you didn’t break her because you weren’t strong enough. You will never be strong enough.

You see, the time you stole from me I can’t get back. I can’t use it to spend more time with my grandfather, now deceased. I can’t use it to spend time with the people that mean the most to me. I can’t use it to spend with my grandmother who is now ill. You know, she would ask about you because she is the kindness of souls, but I politely tell her that you lied about your illness and your life. Since then, she has only asked about Arvind and absolutely adores him. He comes with me to visit her. He buys her flowers. That’s what real relationships are like.

I have learned some things as a result of what you took from me. I now know the value of time and how precious it is. I now waste very little. I now am strong and wise. I now have an appreciation for every experience and every relationship. I now know what love is. Real love–something you will never feel nor deserve.

Let me tell you, real love is untamed and invigorating. It makes you want to laugh until you cry, to dance until you fall over. It makes you want to be a better person. It gives you perspective. It makes everything else in the world a little less important. Love gives you a little bit of everything you’ll ever need.

Thanks to you, I know where rock bottom is and I’ll never be back. You, however, have always lived there and you always will. Rock bottom is where cowards like you live because they’re ashamed of their disgraceful lives. You may have screwed me over, my family, my friends, but I will never be ashamed of my life.

The time I [kinda] spent with you: a total waste.

The lessons I learned from it: invaluable. 

I am beautiful. I am vibrant. I am strong. I am fortunate.  I am wildly in love.

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This guy right here, a real man. Next to him, pure bliss.

Doing super rad things can be hard

How? Well, in the same way following your heart can be! In my case, doing super rad things and following my heart meant moving to Colorado. So here I am. I moved here 5 months and 13 days ago. I had no doubts, no potential earth shaking struggles I could think of. However, in my recent realization I have concluded that I’m not adjusting to life here as well as I kept telling myself I was. BUT HOW!? There is an overwhelming amount of beauty and fresh air here! A clean slate, too! Life here is basically a continuous vacation.
So, self, what’s the dilemma?
For a start, the week after I moved my lovely Grandma’s (aka Gram Cracka) health started to decline and since then it’s only gotten worse. Since I’m her only grandchild it blows twice as hard. I’ve been going home more often than I initially expected. I’ve also been calling her excessively. So really, I’m not able to put total energy into adjusting to my new Colorado life. Secondly, my child (aka dog) Ellie… I miss this thing to death and being without her can be a real challenge considering every single person in Boulder has at least 1 dog. She’s the piece of home that I could really use during an adjustment like this. Lastly, my lover is still living in Baltimore.
Here’s the thing about moving across the country:
  1. IT’S REALLY EXCITING TO THINK ABOUT BEFORE IT HAPPENS.
  2. IT’S REALLY EXCITING WHEN YOU GET THERE. LIFE IS A TOTAL VACATION UNTIL WORK BEGINS.
  3. You finally wrap your head around the fact that this new place is now home. One of two thoughts then occur:
1. Fuck yes-I love life. (overwhelming excitement)
2. How did I get here and why? (total fucking confusion)
It isn’t even that I’m home sick, although I do worry about Gram Cracka, but I know everyone else there is alive and well. I also know that I have the resources to come back whenever I need to (aka I’m not a hobo). I just have this gut feeling that another place is better for me, and that’s okay. I’m also excited to figure out where that place is! I’m also enjoying the cheap rent so that I can explore the shit out of this place and the rest of the wild west.
Some people think I’m crazy. Some people envy me. Some people are dying to visit this place now that they’ve seen excessive Facebook photos of my life here. Some people think I have guts. Some people are like “omg I could never” in which case please go away. But really, anyone can do this, it’s only uprooting and leaving the only place you’ve ever called home along with everyone is there…
All in all it’s been the best adventure yet, and it sure as hell won’t be the last.
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Advice for those who want some change: Go before you talk yourself out of it. 
 

A Colorado Sunrise

Why do I willingly go into work at 7am? Let me give you an idea…

The sun rises in Boulder come in all different colors, cloud types, and intensity. When my world wakes up, it’s a beautiful thing. Some of these photos are taken from my car and some from my desk–so they aren’t the most well thought out photos…I’d like to share the beauty.

I’m one lucky gal.

 

 

 

 

 

Kaite got a new camera

AND WENT TO VAIL FOR THE FIRST TIME.

This past weekend my dad and I went to Vail, CO to get out of cloudy Boulder and to see the fall colors.  The color we saw there was breathtakingly beautiful. We took the gondola up Vail Mountain then proceeded to hike “off-trail” to the summit because most trails were closed. We basically did what we wanted–and oh was it worth it. This was the first day I used my new canon and I’m pretty satisfied.

& this is me post-3,500 ft descend and post-ridiculously good drinks.

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We gave minimal shits which allowed us the best day we could have asked for in Vail.

Thanks, dad ❤

“All we do is drink beer and hike.”

Hello beautiful people from all over!

So Rachel and I made it to Colorado and so far everything is grand. It seems as though our search for work is coming to a close, but we are still crossing our fingers. You should, too! We’ve applied for a lot of jobs.

A lot. Of. Jobs.

We had a lot of interviews here and there and everywhere. Some good, some crap, and some great. (I had more crap ones) When we weren’t job hunting we pretty much drank a lot of beer and hiked. We also biked, but that was usually to a bar to drink more beer. I mean other than that…we haven’t done all that much, but we’re pretty satisfied.

However, one of the rad-er things we’ve done while we’ve been here is a private tour of New Belgium Brewing (we aren’t sorry). Straight up private, behind the scenes, laboratory-chemisty-beer shit.

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The guy in the background is Mr. Ballin’-ass New Belgium Employee that hooked us up. The other photo shows the employee bar in which we poured our own beers…and won.

Anyway, that’s all I really got for now. Thanks for sticking around to see what we’re up to.

Much love & ☮

Farewell Charm City

I decided that this is my last summer in Baltimore. I therefore decided that this is will the most awesome summer in Baltimore. I created a check list of things I needed to do before July 30th, 2015. Lets leave Baltimore the right way, shall we?

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Outdoor festivals while reconnecting with your longest childhood friend, Vicki. #honfest

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Street parades in front of your work brought to you by the American Visionary Art Museum.

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Outdoor concerts with your family and future Colorado roommate. #hozier

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Bike Party with some of your favorite people. #promtheme #MDtheme

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Road trips to Philly with your best friend to see your best friend. #winwin

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Finally seeing the July 4th fireworks over the Inner Harbor in the company of a good friend.

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Kayaking with my aunt and my cute man in PA.

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Patterson Park adult pool party. I was garbage.

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Boating with my dad and my other favorite people.

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Quality time with my brother from another mother.

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Dates at the Inner Harbor ❤

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And most importantly hanging out with my best friend.

& even more importantly, spending your last night in Baltimore and your grandma’s house. #sleepover