I’ve reached the peak of the semester. EVERYTHING is due. EVERYTHING is chaos. EVERYTHING is
Bring it back.
Yes, there is a lot happening. Usually during these times I enter full blown panic. I start looking at the entire picture instead of taking things step by step. My anxiety turns into anger and I am short with people who have nothing to do with this.
Yes, there is a lot happening. This time, however, I’ve chosen to take a different approach. I bike in the morning. I face mask at night. Mazzy Star radio is my zen vibe. Lana Del Rey helps, too. I’ve been writing in bed. I have resorted to self-care instead of anger.
Now, when I go to bed at 2am, instead of feeling frantic, I feel, well I feel totally exhausted because it’s 2am, but I also feel calm.
I keep telling myself that I need to take the time to care for myself. Whether I chill for 30 minutes or not, I’m going to get everything done. There has never been a time where I’ve failed myself (with regards to school). Everything always gets done, so I have nothing to worry about. I know this about myself.
Sleeping by myself every night is an adjustment these days, too. I mean, instead of most nights it’s every night, so ehh it’s really not that different. But now I live alone as well, so maybe it’s just the overall reality of being in my own presence. I choose not to use the word “alone” anymore either. It was really messing with my head. So I’m working on restructuring my thought process in the midst of all of this. I utilize ‘by myself’ instead. I’m feeling okay being by myself, too. It’s an adjustment but it’s oddly comforting most times.
I hope I continue to like it. I was always pretty afraid of aloneness, and perhaps I still am. I always wondered if it was because so many people left my life when I was young, or whether it’s simply because I’m an extrovert. I like being surrounded by people. Like my father, I enjoy interaction, conversation and social stimulation, but there was a time when I was faulted for that. As if being like that was a flaw.
Just because I wasn’t what you wanted didn’t mean that I was flawed.
I’m glad I know this now.
I’ve been afraid of changing ’cause I’ve built my life around you.
I hope time makes me bolder, too.