Not progress [yet], but disappointment

I’ve done many things alone these last few months; family events, weddings, dinners, etc, and I’ve been fine enough. Tonight felt different though. Jenna and her new beau. Two months. Totally infatuated, madly head over heels, constant physical contact, gazes, and everything else you could imagine. “The honeymoon” if you will. She is so happy, and she 100% deserves it.

Tonight I finally understood what it felt like to be “that” person. At first, I was totally in awe because she finally found her bliss. But as the night grew on, I was reminded of a past life, a past bliss, something I don’t feel anymore, that I haven’t felt in probably three years. It was like looking at myself 5 years ago. Being “that” person is lonely, but honestly no lonelier than I’ve felt the last 9 months. This reality makes it all sadder.

Yesterday I turned 28. I honestly can’t even think about it. By no means am I trying to find my soulmate here because 1. I don’t believe in them, and 2. because I need to be content with myself first, but it is so hard to begin that journey to contentment when you’re mad at yourself for wasting over 8 god damn years of your life on dead end disappointment and being a stupid idiot.

I don’t even know where to go with this.

I’m sitting out on the fire escape in the apartment that is next to mine, since mine is condemned at the moment, but I have no electricity and no fucks to give.

Why did I come back and try to live here? It’ll always be a journey alone.

I’m almost okay with it.

Advertisements