Scattered and honest

Day after day after day, I wasn’t any happier living back in Maryland. Everyone kept asking me what I was going to be doing with my life. What made you all think I have it figured out just because I’m back in Maryland? In fact, because I’m here again I have it less figured out…because I’m less motivated to figure it all out. I feel like I’m just existing again. Just blending. In a stationary routine, again. 

Believe me I try to find reasons to be happy here; family, friends, safety, familiarity. But wait, no, I don’t think all of those things are what I need at all. Of course, spending some final time with my grandma is nice to do again, but we can’t go out and eat every week like we used to; can’t do it easily at least. It’s all a process now, and most days she doesn’t want to do anything. She’s also pretty bitter anymore. She finally made me cry. I had to take a break from seeing her. 

We used to laugh a lot. 

Then there’s my right hand man, my love, strength, everything, but he has his own life before me and I’m needy these days. He can’t do it all, he tries, but he’s only human, and I don’t know that I’m right for him. 

Then there’s my right and my left legs, my mom and dad. They got me where I needed to be in life and have always had my back. These two incredibly smart individuals somehow created, me this directionless 25 year old, but I still haven’t let them down. Anyway, they’re still young and I shouldn’t stick around for them just yet. 

Then I wonder yet again why I’m here. 

I think I have to stick it out a bit since I made the effort to come back here. Can’t possibly just turn around quite yet. So what do I do? 

Find a year lease in the city to ensure I stay here. I find a few side gigs for some extra $ so that I can live a bit more comfortably. Right before I move in my car stops dead  in the middle of Harford Rd. My dad tells me he’ll pay for the $800 dollars of damage because he knows I have no money. That alone is a wake up call. Like hi Kaitlyn, your father is stilling paying for your shit. Regardless, I manage to pick up my car and pay a portion before he gets to the car shop. I did what I could. 

I turn in my rental application. I’m still going to move. Then two weeks later, I dislocate my knee cap, again. Ambulance ride, ER visit and follow up appointments… How hell can I afford this? Certainly can’t with my low paying job. My boss didn’t even acknowledge me at work THE NEXT DAY. Yes, I went to work 15 hours post-ER visit. (Thanks for the support! Not.) Anyway, my doctor said surgery may be a good idea, too. My side gigs fall through because I can’t walk. I can’t even bathe myself and I have to move everything I own in three weeks. I search for jobs, apply, search, apply. Waiting for a miracle here. Oh wait, I also have to figure out what to get my Masters degree in too so that real life can start, but I have no idea what to do at this point. 

I like writing. I’d like to write as a job, but is there real money in that? Not unless you’re really damn good at it. At this point all I’m good at is injuring myself and burying myself deeper into a black hole of debt. 

Although, I’d really like to write for a living, but this blog doesn’t give me shit in return. 

I guess I feel a little better at least.

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2 thoughts on “Scattered and honest

  1. Ah, sweetheart…having a tough time eh? I’m here if you want to have tea or something. I’d love to put our heads together and see how we could go about helping you feel more at ease in your life right now. It is definitely tough not knowing. I remember wanting a shaman or some kind of guru or someone to reveal to me my path…but it doesn’t work like that. Life is the path. Today is all you have. This moment is the path. Hugs to you. I feel for you. I’ve had the same feeling you describe many times in my life, and especially at that point in my life in which you now find yourself. I always joke that I couldn’t wait to turn 30 so that I could leave my 20’s behind–they were so fraught with chaos, uncertainty, and emotional turmoil. I really feel like my life settled down quickly once I reached my 30’s. And that doesn’t mean it became boring–it just means that I had a deeper sense of myself and a clearer idea of who I was and what life meant to me. And every day I wake up and try again to figure it out. So what I’m saying, not that this will help at all, is that what you’re going through is perfectly normal for the stage of life in which you find yourself. And I’m not saying this to minimize your pain and uncertainty–I’m offering this as someone who has been there. It has helped me to understand that our struggles are nothing new–they are the same struggles humans have always had through the ages…our names and faces have changed, that’s all. Email me or call me or text me. I’m here for you. Deep breaths.

  2. I think this blog is giving you more than you know. Sometimes, writing down your scattered thoughts can shift your perspective. Try and be grateful for what you DO have, like a dad that is capable of helping you financially. A lot of people don’t have that support system at all. I hope the last moments you have with your grandmother aren’t bitter memories. I am sure she is processing the idea of death as best as she can, and maybe the anger, remorse, etc. is coming out towards you? You are a bit accident prone, so sorry you hurt yourself so badly!!! Hospital bills suck, I’ve definitely been there. If you need any help moving, my car can hold quite a bit.

    The sentence of this post that struck me the most was “Oh wait, I also have to figure out what to get my Masters degree in too so that real life can start. But I have no idea what to do at this point.” — Your “real life” is happening right now. Just because you aren’t currently in school working towards another degree does not deem you a failure. Or stuck. Or blending. Or just existing. Coming back to Maryland so soon wasn’t in your plan, but that’s OK. Life does not give a damn about your plans. All you really have control over is your happiness. Sometimes, you have to shift the idea of what happiness is or what it looks like. But feeling like you’re hopelessly stagnant because you aren’t in school and aren’t living in an area different from where you grew up is a side effect of comparing yourself to other people. Doing so creates tons and tons of toxic thought patterns that end up leading you nowhere, except keeping that feeling of stagnation.

    Everyday, so what makes you happy. If it’s writing, then write. If it’s working at the Mac, then do that and start making meaningful connections that could lead somewhere else. Go outside more (with a helmet) and breathe some fresh air. Keep in mind all that is important to you (i.e. family, friends, etc.) and focus all of your energy there, and let the rest go.

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